A struggling life raft
by saturn-serenity
Summary: Mal/Inara Set after Serenity. People hinted that Inara was actually dying during the series so I'm running with that. Everyone is struggling to deal with the aftermath but will everyone notice what's happening to Inara before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

They were drowning.

She had said she didn't know if she was ready for civilisation. She had been ready but she had seen she was needed on Serenity. Everyone was struggling after the recent events and the deaths of the Shepherd and Wash. Zoe barely talked, only speaking when Mal gave her an order with a simple yes sir. Inara started asking Zoe to walk with her when they landed on a new planet, her excuse being she felt safe having Zoe with her and there was less chance of being in a fight than with Mal. Her true reason was to get Zoe out of the ship and have some time to think. The first few walks Inara remained silent, allowing Zoe to have her moments of peace. After some time Inara began to subtly encourage Zoe to talk, until soon Zoe was dragging Inara out so she could talk to her about Wash and talk about her pain. There were nights when Inara could see Zoe struggling to cope and so she would go to her room and comfort her while she cried.

Mal on the other hand was another matter. On the ship, he spent most of his time locked up on the bridge flying the ship and when he wasn't there he was annoying everyone with his jokes. On a regular basis he would barge into her room and try to annoy her. It didn't bother her any more but she pretended to be annoyed, to help take his mind off whatever he was trying to forget. On the planets, he got into more fights than ever, it seemed like he was trying to beat his record on every planet they travelled to. She tried to discourage him but whenever she tried he would put on his mask and snap at her.

River remained the same, still confused and having nightmares. Now that Simon and Kaylee were more intimate, Simon became less observant of River's problems so Inara took it upon herself to move into the room next to hers. From there she could hear her cries in the night and she would do and sit next to her and hum lullabies she recalled from her childhood.

Jayne, Simon and Kaylee were unaffected by all of this. Kaylee and Simon had eyes only for each other and Jayne remained oblivious as always to any human emotion. All of them were drowning in their own lives, they didn't realise how exhausted Inara was becoming. She cooked meals everyday while trying to keep an eye on everyone. She tried to ignore how tired she was feeling but then one day she noticed symptoms starting to reappear, blurred vision, rapid heart rate and fainting episodes.

This wasn't good.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys thanks for all the alerts and stuff. If I write anything that sounds wrong please let me know and I will do my best to correct it. I also enjoy reviews so please don't be shy!**

Simon sorted through his supplies in the medical room, humming to himself as he thought about what he and Kaylee had been doing the night before. He remembered the way her skin looked in the engine lights, the feel of her –

"Doctor?"

He jumped and turned to see Inara waiting patiently by the door. "Inara you startled me"

"Sorry doctor that wasn't my intention. From the look on your face you were remembering something pleasant I take it?"

His face flushed and he quickly turned back to his supplies, busying himself with their order in the cabinet.

"Is there anything I can help you with Inara?"

Inara hesitated in the doorway. She wasn't sure she was doing the right thing, but she was running out of options. She couldn't go and ask Mal to take her to her physician because he wouldn't leave her alone until he knew the truth. Her symptoms were starting to get worse and she needed help. "Actually there is doctor. I haven't been feeling well and I was hoping you could give me a physical."

"I thought you had that done at your guild once a year or something?" Simon asked confused.

"I do but it's not due for another eight months and I can't wait that long. Can you help me out?"

"Of course Inara. Hop up on the bed and I'll check you over."

"Simon,' she said seriously as he shut the door. 'To let you do this you must understand that it is a private matter. I have no wish for you to share my personal problems with everyone else on this ship."

He nodded, "Of course Inara, I give you my word as a doctor. I would never reveal privileged information without your say."

Feeling relieved Inara smiled. "Thankyou doctor."

"Now what symptoms have you been experiencing?"

She closed her eyes and forced herself to say the words, "Blurred vision, rapid heart rate, not all the time just every now and then. The only thing I can do is lie down and wait for my heart to slow. Every now and then I get lightheaded and have a fainting spell. That's all of them."

Simon was looking at her seriously now. "Those symptoms are pretty serious Inara. How long have you been experiencing them."

"Now? About two weeks."

"What do you mean now? Have you experienced this before?"

She winced at her slip and nodded. "Yes I have. About four years ago and then two years before that."

Simon noted her pale skin and shadows around her eyes. He'd noticed that she hadn't been taking any clients recently and had been spending a lot of time with River and Zoe. He wondered why Mal hadn't picked up on any of this yet. He was usually aware of everything happening on his ship.

"I'd like to do a blood test to see what we're dealing with."

She nodded, "Whatever you think is best doctor."

An hour later he was finished his examination and giving her her orders as she readjusted her clothes. "I think you need to rest a bit more Inara, you've been pushing yourself too hard. River and Zoe can cope without you for one day."

She looked uncertain but before she could say anything else, the door banged open and Jayne came in dragging a barely conscious Mal over his back.

"Who has he been fighting now?" Inara said frustrated, she slid off the table to make room for Mal, her conversation with Simon forgotten.

"A man briefly mentioned the word unification in passing and Mal, well he'd already had a few and he just went at him," Jayne grunted as he lifted Mal onto the bed.

"Thank you Jayne,' Inara said, 'You better go tell Zoe that we should be taking off now before that guy finds out which ship is ours."

He grunted and walked out the door. She turned to look at Mal saddened by what she saw. His left eye swollen shut, blood had dried around his nose and his lips were cracked open. Judging from his breathing, she guessed his chest had taken a fair hit as well.

"I'll leave you to it then doctor."

She turned to leave –

" Inara."

She stopped and turned back to face Simon. He looked at her seriously, "Our conversation isn't finished. Make sure you get some rest."

She nodded and turned once more when something grabbed her wrist. She looked down at Mal's bloody hand and made her way back up to his face. His right eye was wide open looking at her warily.

"Mal," she said hesitantly.

"Why do you need to rest?"

"It's nothing Mal I'm just over tired." She tried to shake free but he grasped her hand tighter.

"Don't leave me."

She looked down at him in shock. His voice was broken, like a child.

"Please,' he whispered drunkenly. 'Stay with me till I go to sleep."

Sighing she took the seat next to his bed and placed her other hand over the top of his. Simon smiled and began to examine the extent of Mal's injuries. How was she supposed to rest when she was the only one holding some of them together? Her vision began to blur again and she focused on the point where Mal's head was, knowing he would still be looking at her. She forced out a smile and gave his hand a squeeze.

"Get some sleep Mal, I'm not going anywhere."

_Not yet_


	3. Chapter 3

**Holy crap I'm so sorry for not writing anything for ages! I've been so busy with Uni and work it's just been madness. Thankyou to the people who have been reviewing and asking me to continue! I can't believe people actually like it (i'm not used to people liking my stuff lol...) anyways on with the story and i will try to be a bit more quicker with my updates ^_^**

Inara fell into a routine. Wake up. Check on River and Zoe. Make breakfast. Play games with River and talk to Zoe. Snap at Mal's obscene jokes. Lunch. Decline all the appointments her customer's wanted. Spend time with Kaylee. Prepare dinner. Clean. Sleep. Comfort Zoe and River during her nightmares. Sleep some more. Then start all over again.

The same things happening everyday. She was beginning to go crazy. The only things fluctuating in her life were her symptoms. She started to learn to control them though so people wouldn't notice what was going on. When her vision blurred she would look down at her hand and pretend to be focusing on her ring. She would look out the windows sitting quietly counting backwards from one hundred when her heart started stuttering. The fainting spells were more difficult to predict. They occurred when they felt like it. Luckily no one had been around when she had one yet. She would face that hurdle when she came to it.

One afternoon she was sitting quietly in her room, slowly counting backwards as her heart fought against her. It had been a busy morning and all she wanted to do was lie down and sleep for a week. 99, 98, 97, 96...

"Inara did you hear me?"

Startled she glanced up to see Mal looking down at her in concern. Her heart was still beating wrong, she tried not panic. _How long has he been standing there? Just smile you idiot!_

"Sorry Mal I was thinking about a new client. Did you need me for something?" 95, 94, 93, 92...

"I want to know why the quack says you need to rest. What's going on?"

Damn. For the last week Inara had been avoiding this conversation. Whenever they were alone she quickly made some excuse and left the room. Mal may have been drunk at the time but even in a drunken stupor he could see when people were hiding something from him.

"It's nothing Mal, I've just been pushing myself a bit too hard. A bit of rest and I'm fine. I'm feeling much better now anyway so nothing to worry about." She hoped her face looked better than she felt. 85, 84, 83, 82, 81...There, she sighed in relief. Her heart returned to its normal rhythm.

From his expression she didn't think he was buying it. Time to change tactics.

"You need to tell me the truth Inara. I don't like people keeping secrets from me. If it's going to affect us in any way I want to know." He demanded.

"Even if it was something that affected you all in some way what would it matter?" Inara snapped.

She hadn't meant to snap so hard but she went with it. She was tired and feeling stressed. She needed to get something off her chest.

"Since the incident which you refuse to talk about, you've been drunk the majority of the time. You spend most of that time picking fights on every planet we land on, alienating us. Do you realise that what you're doing is affecting everyone here? You're too drunk to drive the ship and River has to do it all by herself! Zoe is still mourning Wash and you won't even let her have some time to herself. You're constantly ordering her around as if nothing has changed. Everything has changed Mal!' She sighed. ' We've all changed. The only difference is our changes don't affect everyone on the ship like your drinking does.

There was silence for a few minutes and Inara wondered if she had gone too far. It felt wonderful to get it all off her chest but the outburst had left her feeling exhausted. Finally Mal spoke.

"I see,' Mal said quietly, 'Next time you decide to open up why don't you be completely honest and tell me how you really feel?" he said sarcastically. He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Inara closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. A headache was starting to form and it wasn't going to be a pleasant one. She hadn't meant to be so blunt with him. She knew Wash's death had affected him as well. It was a defence mechanism. She didn't want him prying into her life, trying to figure out her problems so she put her walls up and switched into bitchy Inara. She felt some small satisfaction that it had worked but now she would have to put up with Mal's insufferable brooding glares and he was probably out there now planning horrible ways to annoy her. Looking at the clock she sighed and got up to make dinner, fighting the desire to just lie down and never get back up.

Mal sat in the pilots chair thinking about the argument with Inara. What she had said about him was right. His drinking and fighting were becoming a problem. They hadn't done any decent hauls in the last month and he knew he was mainly to blame. He wished she would have opened up to him though. She had tried to deflect the conversation away from herself, successfully, but she couldn't hide the dark rings under her eyes or the sickly pale colour of her skin. He was mentally kicking himself for not seeing the signs earlier. The week before when he was lying on the metal table she had sat with him until the medication sent him to sleep. Gripping her hand in his he could feel her pulse and he had noticed that at one point her pulse had gone erratic. At the time he just put it down to the fact that she was close to him and she was obviously struggling to fight the urge to jump him. Now however, while he still thought she wanted to jump him, I mean come on, who wouldn't? he thought chuckling, he knew there was more to it. He had to figure out what was going on with her before it was too late for him to help. Luckily there was one person on Firefly who knew what was going on with their Ambassador.

"I think it's time I paid the good doctor a little visit," he grinned evilly.

**Reviews! Til the next chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone I'm sorry I'm so slow with my updates I know I'm bad! Please read and I hope its enjoyable. I am still quite new to writing fanfiction but I do really enjoy it!**

Simon sat quietly reading one of his medical text books. It always helped him find some sort of piece reading about diseases and how to treat them. What he was currently worried about was Inara. The results from the tests had come back and it appeared she had atrial fibrillation where impulses in the heart begin simultaneously and they all compete to get through the AV node at the same time. Atrial fibrillation was generally an underlying cause for a larger problem of the heart. To determine the main problem he needed to perform a few more tests but he was unsure how to approach Inara about the problem. From the conversations he had had with her it was obvious it was something she didn't like to discuss. She seemed more comfortable pretending there was nothing wrong.

As he thought of the best way to approach Inara about the subject he failed to notice the ship's captain sneaking up behind him.

"So whatcha reading there doc?"

Simon jumped a foot in the air and quickly snapped his book shut which was open on coronary diseases. "Nothing,' he said hurriedly, 'just refreshing my memory on some the of bodies systems. I like to keep up to date on medical treatments."

"If you're just studying then why so jumpy?" Mal started to circle Simon his trademark mischievous smile in play, "Was the doctor studying the female systems in a dirty magazine?"

"What! No of course not!' he said defensively. 'I would never look at those derogative magazines! Never!"

"Me thinks you object too much doctor." Mal grinned and grabbed a chair and sat in front of Simon leaning across the back rest. "It's alright if you are,' he said reasonably, 'just be careful Kaylee doesn't see them man, would the shit hit the fan then! Of course I'm sure Casey or myself would be more than happy to take them off your hands-"

"What do you want Mal?" Simon snapped, his ears were burning not comfortable with the subject of the conversation.

Mal's grin vanished and he looked at Simon seriously, "I want you to tell me what's going on with Inara."

"I don't know what you're talking –"

"Don't give me that crap doc, I know you know something. I've seen the way you look out for her and make sure she eats at meal times. I'm not a complete idiot to not see that there's something wrong with her now spill it!"

The next half hour Mal nagged the doctor for any information about Inara but the Simon refused to budge. Finally after ten minutes of being poked in the arm by Mal Simon had had enough.

"I'd be breaking confidentiality with my patient I'm sorry captain I cannot tell you anything! Now please just leave me alone."

Mal looked annoyed and got up moving towards the door. Suddenly he turned around and Simon felt dread in his stomach at the evil gleam in his eye. "I understand Doc, seems like you're one of the few good docs left in this universe. Remember what I said about hiding those porno mags now, I really would hate for Kaylee to find out that you've been having happy time by yourself because she doesn't satisfy you."

"I don't own any,' he said defiantly, 'Kaylee knows that and she will never believe your word against mine."

"Oh really? Well we'll see about that won't we when she finds those porno mags stashed not so secretly in your room."

Simon made a dash for the door but Mal blocked the entrance. "This isn't funny Mal get out of the way!"

"I can't do that Simon,' Mal said seriously, 'not until you tell me what's wrong with Inara."

"Mal this is ridiculous you can't ask this of me!"

"I can and I am! I don't like people keeping secrets from me especially people on my own ship!"

Simon was furious, "I can't tell you Captain, it's not my story to tell. If Inara won't tell you then she must have her reasons. If my relationship with Kaylee suffers because I refuse to break my oath then so be it."

Simon backed away feeling drained, he hadn't yelled so much since he was a child. He knew he was doing the right thing though. Of course Kaylee was going to be mad, but he would explain it, he would find some way to make her see that it was all a setup...

Mal sighed and leaned against the door. "I guess I underestimated you doc. I definitely thought that would have cracked you.

Don't worry,' he said as he turned to leave. 'I didn't actually put porno mags in your room, I'm not that mean."

Simon smiled proud that he hadn't crumbled in front of the captain. He was happy the Captain was finally taking an interest in Inara's health. He knew that in the future he was going to need the captain to help him convince Inara about treatments. The captain may act like a child but when it came to his crew he always looked after them. Simon had to respect that. His sense of respect didn't last long though.

Mal's voice floated back through the corridor, "I actually put them in that special place in the engine room where you Kaylee play hookey..."

Bastard! Simon thought as he bolted to engine room.

**let me know what you think ^_^**


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